It was a teary day.

In the morning Daddy told us about ah ma’s deteriorating condition and about how we might be losing her soon. I kept thinking about her today and while thinking, the tears formed in my eyes and I tried to hide them.

Then, I found myself doing it again while watching a heartbreaking episode of a Korean drama on the telly, and thinking about ah ma.

Just before evening, I watched the Korean film ‘A Brand New Life’ in my room, and some parts of the film made me cry a little.

And after visiting ah ma at the hospital, the emotional side of me took charge again. Even though I know that death and separation are a ‘sooner or later’ thing, the thought of it makes me bitter. And fearful.

Coincidentally, separation was a prominent theme in ‘A Brand New Life’ and I am in awe with how the children dealt with the departures of their friends and home mates in the orphanage. There weren’t teary goodbyes; separation boiled down to rituals like lining up and singing the same two farewell tunes. After that, life goes back to normal, albeit in a smaller group they still played the fortune game every night without fail, and they all still continued to share the hopes of being adopted, which will inevitably be another goodbye. To me they just understood the impermanence and transient nature of relationships as a way of things. Separation was an everyday affair. Were they numb to it?

While that is admirable, I think it’s perfectly okay to feel bitter upon loss because it reveals just how much was at stake. But I guess eventually we’ve got to come to terms with it, let her go, and pray that she’s at peace. Like Jin Hee in the film, we got to bravely embrace the brand new — be it a life with a new condition, or a life without someone in it.

Parting is definite. With ah ma, we all know it’s now sooner than later, but I’ll work on not fearing it.